'He sees neutering as a threat to his masculinity': Wife Wants to Get Cat Fixed Behind Her Husband’s Back While He’s Away, Turns to the Internet for Advice

Author image for Mariel Ruvinsky
Mariel Ruvinsky • Writer and Editor
Jul 31, 2024 10:00 AM EDT

People think of cats as being very simple pets. They need water, food and for someone to clean their litterbox every once in a while, and that's it, right? Wrong. while it is true that cats are not the most difficult pet to take care of, there is certainly still a whole lot that you have to know about them. You need to learn about overstimulation in cats and how it can cause them to bite us. You need to know how to get cats to drink more water, because cats often need more than they get. You need to learn some practical ways to enrich our cats' environments, because lazy as they may be, they still have energy that they need to spend. 

And one of the most impurrtant things to know about cats, and something that you need to know pretty early on, is neutering. We thought that it was pretty much common knowledge that it's important to neuter cats, but this thread… has proven us wrong. 

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  • 01
    Posted by u/doobdoobdo 2 days ago WIBTA if I got our cat neutered while my husband is away?
    via u/doobdoobdo

    Okay, so our relationship instinct says: no, you should not do it. But our cat parent instinct says: think of the cat first. Really, we are glad that this story worked out the way that it did because we do not know what we would have done in this situation otherwise. 

  • 02
    My husband (34m) and I (27f) recently adopted a kitten (0.438m) together. I want to get the kitten neutered as soon as possible: he is an indoor cat; I don't want to deal with spraying and other pubescent feline behaviour. My husband is against neutering him, saying he dislikes the idea of altering his physiology. This is not a pedigree cat; my husband has no plans of getting him to sire kittens.
    via u/doobdoobdo

    Indoor or outdoor, unless you actively want your cat to have kittens, we think all cats should be neutered. Not doing it can lead to all kinds of trouble. Been there, never going to be there again. 

  • 03
    I don't believe he understands what keeping him intact is going to entail. I feel like he sees neutering as a threat to his masculinity. I am thinking of neutering the kitten without my husband's consent but feel like that'd be wrong. That's the TL;DR.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 04
    We have agreed before that it's best if he stays an indoor cat. We're living in a house right now but we are renting and ultimately don't have a strong anchor anywhere; we are likely to move in the next two years. Our cat may be moved around quite a lot in his lifetime so it's safest and most comfortable for him if he doesn't get used to roaming, which intact males are driven to do. My husband understood and seemed to agree with me before, when we discussed this ahead of getting the cat.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 05
    Now that it's the best time to neuter, my husband has changed his mind 180 and would like to allow our cat to get out. All of the sudden, Nextdoor posts about run-over cats seem like nothing next to a quick, safe, proven-to-help surgical procedure.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 06
    I think he might see my insistence on neutering our cat as an insult to his own masculinity: in one conversation, he got agitated and said I would neuter him if I had the chance.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 07
    Dear reader, while I am a fan of vasectomy as an idea, my husband has never been under pressure to get one or gotten one, and that is not the subject of the present debate.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 08
    So my dilemma is as follows: he's got a work trip coming up in a few days, and I might just take the cat to the vet for a quick snippy snap while he's away. But what broke my heart is that he said none of his male friends who have neutered male cats love their cats. I did see one of those friends interact with his cat (one that has implants); it was not great.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 09
    For added context, we don't have kids; have been together for 8 years; we have lived with a cat before, my husband's female intact cat. I thought he hated dealing with her in heat, seeing her suffer, as much as I did; he talked about getting her neutered for the entire three years she lived with us, but life always got in the way. Perhaps he hated the idea of neutering cats all along? (We moved out of the country and that (now older) cat is keeping my husband's grandmother company now. She's fin
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 10
    However, that was entirely his call to make; this one is our shared responsibility, which is why I'm hesitant to make it on my own.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 11
    Edit to change 'knowledge' in paragraph #1 to 'consent': I told my husband I was considering / posting this as the post was going live.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 12
    UPD: we talked about this again. He has one (1) male friend with a neutered male cat, referred to above, and zero (0) friends with intact male cats. He was just being an idiot relying on the way things used to be in his village when he was a kid and it doesn't help that there's someone else's apparently intact male cat roaming the neighbourhood.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 13
    He's chronically online but not in the same way as I am, i.e. I've known cats are supposed to stay indoors + be neutered FOR AGES and he watches cats on Reels. We're getting the cat neutered; not getting a divorce, sorry to disappoint — he's a ding dong but he's my ding dong. Thank you all for the comments, I've read some that helped me understand his point of view and get through to him in ways I hadn't tried before!
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 14
    UPD 2 after reading some more comments: 1. A huge shout out to all the vets here, and all the volunteers working with pets. Thank you for your work, and for your time spent dealing with asshats.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 15
    2. My dudes some of y'all have not been in long- term relationships and it shows. It would've been a completely different story if it happened when we first got together, but it didn't, which is the reason I found it as weird as you did. We've been married for 3 years. I definitely knew what I was doing.
    via u/doobdoobdo
  • 16
    SoImaRedditUserNow 2 days ago . edited 12 hr. ago Professor Emeritass [71] Wow... of all the hills for your husband to die on. That he is projecting his own masculinity onto this cat is.... well... weird. Like, really weird. Really Really Really weird. And that he apparently wants the cat to be outside, father a ton of feral cats? Is that seriously the plan? That is a really bizarre vicarious existence he's having right now.
    via u/SoImaRedditUserNow
  • 17
    Here's the thing, just do it. Don't hide it. Make the appointment, say when it is and get it done. Honestly, yeah YWBTA if you sneak around and do it. Whats his plan exactly? To physically stop you from having the cat neutered?
    via u/SoImaRedditUserNow
  • 18
    I think it would be amusing, tho relationship ending, one night when he's sleeping put a bandage on his , and tell him when he wakes up that you went ahead and neutered him as well.
    via u/SoImaRedditUserNow
  • 19
    FYI - you don't neuter a female cat... you don't neuter a female anything. EDIT: as many have pointed out.. apparently neutering is ... neuter. I'd always heard neutering for males, spaying for females (well... gelding is for male horses, but generally for most pets ...). Anyway... consider me corrected. 2.9k Reply Share
    via u/SoImaRedditUserNow
  • 20
    Dangerous-Disaster63 · 2 days ago · edited 1 day ago I don't get why men are so butthurt about that. So dumb. My uncle was the same, didn't let my aunt neuter their cats and their home reeked of cat . Not neutering a cat is an act of cruelty. They are so much more happier not having those urges. WNBTA
    via u/Dangerous-Disaster63
  • 21
    Some of you attacking me - your comments should be screenshotted, printed and hanged in the museum of human stupidity. Get I pro natural freaks. Nothing makes my blood boil more. 1.2k Reply Share
    via u/Dangerous-Disaster63
  • 22
    Defied Gravity10 - 2 days ago ALWAYS neuter and spay your pets! Im sorry but your husband sounds ignorant as F. Do the right thing and if its an issue NEVER get another pet with this man because he obviously is not able to be a responsible pet owner. Period. 611 Reply Share
    via u/DefiedGravity10

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